You read between every line — even when it hurts.

People say things they don’t mean.

They mean things they don’t say.

But you hear it all — the tone, the hesitations, the way they say "I'm fine" when you know they’re not.

You pick up on pain before they even admit it.

But when you’re the one suffering, no one notices.

Because you’re the one who’s “good at handling things.”

You forgive people who never apologize.

Not because they deserve it — but because you don’t know how to carry hate.

You tell yourself it’s strength. That rising above it is noble.

But deep down, you wonder if you’re just teaching people they can hurt you… and still be loved.

You become fluent in emotional labor.

You check in.

You listen without interrupting.

You support without needing attention.

You soothe everyone else’s storms —

But when yours hits, no one even knows you’re drowning.

You’ve become so good at hiding it that you don't even look wet.

You long for deep love — but settle for crumbs.

You want someone who gets your silence. Who sits with your darkness.

But you end up with people who love your light — until it flickers.

They praise your strength, but pull away when you show your wounds.

So you convince yourself that scraps are enough. That maybe you ask for too much.

That maybe you’re hard to love.

You’re exhausted from being “the one who understands.”

You justify other people’s actions — “they didn’t mean it,” “they’re going through a lot,” “they don’t know better.”

You humanize them while they dehumanize you.

You stay kind while they stay careless.

And slowly, your understanding turns into self-erasure.

You start to resent your own heart.

You hate how much you care.

You hate how easily you love.

You hate how much you still hope — even when people show you who they are.

But you also know you wouldn’t survive being cold.

That even if you could shut it all down… you’d lose the very thing that makes you you.

And here's the worst part of the curse:

No one sees it as a curse.

They call you "wise beyond your years."

"Empathic."

"Mature."

"Grounded."

They think it's beautiful.

But you know —

It’s lonely. It’s heavy. It’s draining.

And sometimes, you’d trade all the wisdom in the world

just to feel held.

You become the silent anchor.

People lean on you. They confide in you. They cry, rage, vent, collapse — and you absorb it all. You’re the steady one, the “strong” one, the one who “has it together.” But no one ever asks: Who anchors you?

You smile so others don’t worry. But inside, you’re exhausted — and alone in your strength.

Your mind becomes a battlefield.

You replay conversations. Overthink texts. Analyze silences. You wonder what you did wrong — even when you didn’t. You give people the benefit of the doubt long after they’ve run out of reasons to deserve it. You apologize when you’re the one bleeding.

You crave connection, but fear it too.

You want someone to really see you — not the mask, not the role, not the helper — you.

But every time you open up, people either don’t understand, or they pull away.

So you shrink your emotions. You make your pain palatable.

You call your longing “too much,” and teach yourself to expect less.

You live between worlds.

Too sensitive for the indifferent.

Too rational for the dreamers.

Too honest for the comfortable.

Too soft for the hard-edged.

You become a chameleon — adapting, shapeshifting — trying to fit, to belong. But never quite finding where you truly do.

You lose parts of yourself loving the wrong people.

You dim your light so others won’t feel overshadowed.

You lower your standards to avoid being “difficult.”

You silence your needs to keep the peace.

Bit by bit, you forget what you wanted — who you were — because you’ve spent so long trying to be enough for everyone else.

And yet… you keep going.

Because part of your curse is hope.

Even when you’re shattered, a part of you still believes in good.

Still hopes someone will understand your silence.

Still loves like the world hasn’t broken you a hundred times.

This curse is not loud or flashy.

It’s quiet. It lives in the pauses, the unspoken, the knots in your chest.

It’s not the kind of curse that destroys all at once —

It wears you down slowly…

until you forget that your softness was never a flaw.

You are not cursed because you are broken.

You are cursed because you feel too much in a world that teaches people to feel less.

But maybe — just maybe — that’s not a curse at all.

It’s your fire.

And one day, someone will see it and not be afraid to hold it.

Hello, young Jiejun

Had fun reading posts from my past, reminiscing old times and viewing the world in my innocent self then. Back then I always tried to keep ,uself cheerful and see the world in a more positive light. I’m so different now, wouldn’t say more matured, but more… tired, I guess. 

Life has been not easy, but I would say still generally kind to me. 

Will try to update more here as a way to connect with myself, though I’ll probably be the only one reading it. 

So true.

Your Desired Objective

"Searching for a life free of problems, stress, and drama. Wishes to find security and peace, so that she may relax."

Your Actual Problem

"Feeling a lack of energy, she does not wish to be involved in further activity or give in to demands. she is feeling powerless causing her stress, agitation, and irritation, all which she tries to escape by refusing to participate altogether. she needs to escape into an environment which is stable and secure and will allow her to relax and feel more at peace."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave her feeling the same way. Looking for friendly, pleasant relationships with others, who will further develop her intellect. she needs to escape into an environment which is stable and secure and will allow her to relax and feel more at peace."

Feeling down

In the end, it's all the same. Getting belittled by him, now I realized that she sees me like that too.

I can't wait till I'm 35 and able to move out. A home is somewhere a person is supposed to feel safe, not somewhere they go to and get judged for everything.

I am not your perfect family cookie cutter daughter. I'm not pretty, not thin, not smart nor talented. I tried. I can't.

Why can't they see my good sides as well as my flaws? Am I so bad that there's no good in me at all?

5 good and bad things that happened to me today

Today was a tiring day...

Rest of the week does not look so good either... got to stay back everyday for some PD or sharing. Don't know why, these aren't being held during before school starts. It's barely the middle of week two and I already owe things from others or have work and marking piling up.

Let's start with the bad and end with the good, I guess.

Bad:
1) Children were not serious with their work and come to class with the heck care attitude. Work is horrible, class participation is horrible. Some even had the audacity to put their heads down in my class.

2) The leadership training was boring. Really boring. And it ended at 5.30 instead of 5pm. There goes marking time.

3) So much work to do. Just so much! I have things piling up from yesterday and today.

4) I'm just so tired. So frigging tired all the time.

5) I broke my favourite wooden case today. T-T

The good:
1) Thank god for my work buddy Jeremy, who volunterred to go to the training with me although it wasn't his duty. We rewarded ourselves with the CNY cookie samples from the staffroom to reward ourselves too. It made me feel a lot better.

2) Thank god for Eleanor who always never fail to prep and cheer me up.

3) I got a new mini fridge today! And treated myself to sushi as I was in Eunos! Yay! Hopefully I can use the fridge without anyone 'complaining' in the office.

4) I managed to finish marking corrections and more than half of yesterday's Math in the course today.

5) The money due for my class is all accounted for. Phew! (Though I wish the same could be said for the forms as well.)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

I feel exhausted everyday, and I'm falling sick. My nose started to run since yesterday night. Won't be long before my throat gets inflamed.

I am hanging on the hope that it'll be good and clear from next week onwards.

New post in a while.

Omg. I haven't been blogging for a really long time... I've now graduated from NIE in May and is currently teaching.

Update on the last post; We did not manage to go to Thailand due to some election riots there. It was actually not as dangerous - the media was actually playing it up + Singaporeans are kiasee. Well, a parent complained and the management cancelled the trip.
Well, it may be a blessing in disguise, as we were able to work in Singapore soil in Bishan park ( we did not have to rush as much and we could collect data over a long period of time.) I paired up with Wun Yen and had a tiring and great time and all turned out well.

Teaching life has been not bad so far. Went back to my alma mater, and I had a good time last year due to a much lighter workload as I was new and 'fresh'.

Met some teachers who were teaching when I was studying there, and was kind of disappointed to find out that all my teachers had already left. However, my 'new' colleagues were great, and I really enjoyed my second half of 2014 with them.

It's the start of a new year in 2015, and I got into a level which I didn't expect (too young) and an additional subject which I'm not too comfortable in teaching. I also got long days on Mondays and Fridays; I only have one period to rest on Monday, while I only have the last two periods to rest on Friday. Not to mention - long weekends will take up much precious time. *sigh*

Well, I guess I have the rest of the week to compensate for that (?). Will see how it goes, maybe I'll speak to the time - table IC and swap some periods in the other days. I don't like the idea of missing lessons due to holidays. If the classes can spread out over the week, it would be great for me (not so tiring) and the kids (don't think they can stand seeing me from 8.30 to 1pm, recess included), and I will not need to rush mu lessons due to holidays which will 'eat' into Mondays and Fridays. 

Yup. Will update again about how it goes.

Been really tired lately.
Of school.
Of people.
Of work.
Of things going on in class that I just can't seem to grasp.
Of the fact that exams are in two weeks time, and I'm still lost.

Testing from Nokia app platform.
Testing

Mentally and physically exhausted. One more month to pull through this semester, though. Oh, and the Thailand trip too.

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.




Carrers for ISFJs:

ISFJs generally have the following traits:
Large, rich inner store of information which they gather about people
Highly observant and aware of people's feelings and reactions
Excellent memory for details which are important to them
Very in-tune with their surroundings - excellent sense of space and function
Can be depended on to follow things through to completion
Will work long and hard to see that jobs get done
Stable, practical, down-to-earth - they dislike working with theory and abstract thought
Dislike doing things which don't make sense to them
Value security, tradition, and peaceful living
Service-oriented: focused on what people need and want
Kind and considerate
Likely to put others' needs above their own
Learn best with hands-on training
Enjoy creating structure and order
Take their responsibilities seriously
Extremely uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation

ISFJs have two basic traits which help define their best career direction:
1) they are extremely interested and in-tune with how other people are feeling, and
2) they enjoy creating structure and order, and are extremely good at it.

Ideally, the ISFJ will choose a career in which they can use their exceptional people-observation skills to determine what people want or need, and then use their excellent organizational abilities to create a structured plan or environment for achieving what people want. Their excellent sense of space and function combined with their awareness of aesthetic quality also gives them quite special abilities in the more practical artistic endeavors, such as interior decorating and clothes design.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an ISFJ. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Possible Career Paths for the ISFJ:
Interior Decorators / Designers Nurses / Administrators and Managers / Administrative Assistants /     Child Care / Early Childhood Development / Social Work / Counselors / Paralegals / Clergy / Religious Workers / Office Managers / Shopkeepers / Bookkeepers / Home Economics



ISFJs as Partners
ISFJs are committed to their relationships. They have very intense feelings, which is not immediately apparent to others because they tend to hold things inside themselves without expressing them, unless they have a strong reason to do so. Their intensity of feeling makes their intimate relationship their first priority in life, with the possible exception of God. They seek monogamous, lifelong commitments, and can be depended upon to be faithful and loyal to their mates once they have made a commitment.

ISFJs have a difficult time leaving a relationship which is bad, or accepting that a relationship is over. They tend to put all of the blame on their own shoulders, and wonder what they should have done to make things work out. If they have been loyal to their vows and have done their duties, they will be at a complete loss as to what went wrong, and will have great difficulty accepting the end. They are "true blue" lovers, and may even remain faithful to their deceased partners.

ISFJs tend to be very selfless, and to put the needs of others well before their own needs. This may backfire on them, if they get into a situation in which they are taken advantage of, and do not have a good outlet for their strong emotions. In this kind of situation, the ISFJ might bottle up their feelings inside them, and form strong resentments against others. The ISFJ should work on recognizing their own needs, and place some importance on meeting them, rather than always putting the needs of others first. After all, if you can't take care of yourself, how can take care of someone else?

Although the ISFJ is not likely to be very wordy about expressing their love and affection, they're likely to do so through their deeds, and will deeply value their partner's responding affirmations.

The ISFJ is very warm and selfless. They'll put forth tremendous amounts of energy and time into doing what they feel is ther duty. What makes them feel best about themselves is when others show them their appreciation of the ISFJ. Consequently, the best gift that the partner of an ISFJ can give them is the expression of their love and appreciation.

ISFJs have difficulty with conflict situations, and would much prefer to just sweep things under the rug. Sometimes facing a conflict situation helps to resolve it, and the ISFJ should realize that the world will not end if they face the conflict, and express how they feel about it. A conflict situation is not necessarily a "problem" which needs to be gotten rid of, and it is also not necessarily the ISFJ's fault. It's a common problem for ISFJ's to not express their feelings until pushed to some limit, after which they explode in anger and say things which they later feel they shouldn't have said. These kinds of outbursts can be reduced by expressing their feelings on a more regular basis, rather than keeping them pent up inside.

In general, the ISFJ is usually a traditional, family-minded individual who places the comfort of their mates and families as their first priority in life. They're great for providing for everyday basic needs, and have a depth of caring which is very unusual, and not found in most types. They highly invested in the health of their relationships, and will work very hard to make things run smoothly. They are dependable and affectionate lovers.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the ISFJ's natural partner is the ESTP, or the ESFP.



ISFJ as Parents:
Parenthood is seen as natural state and duty to the ISFJ. They are responsible about ensuring that their children have their practical needs met, and try to teach them the rules and observations of our society so that they grow into responsible and independent adults.

ISFJs may have difficulty administering punishment or discipline to their chldren, although most are able to overcome this discomfort because they feel it is their greater duty to instill their children with sound values. As individuals who value order and structure, they're likely to create well-defined boundaries and roles for their children to live within.

ISFJ parents have a very difficult time if their children grow into "problem" adults They tend to believe that it is their responsibility, and that they didn't work hard enough to raise their children well. This may or may not be the case, but usually it isn't. The ISFJ usually puts forth a lot of energy and effort, and doesn't give themselves credit for doing so.

In many ways, an ISFJ makes an ideal parent. Their children will not lack for structure, appropriate guidelines, or warmth and affection. Their children will remember and value the ISFJ parent for their warm natures and genuine efforts on their children's behalf.



ISFJs as Friends:
Although the ISFJ is likely to place God and family above their friends in their priorities, they genuinely enjoy spending time with friends and colleagues. In fact, ISFJs usually feel a strong need to talk problems and issues over with people before making decisions on their actions. Some ISFJs like to discuss things over with their friends, rather than their families.

ISFJs enjoy spending time with most other types of people. The love to observe people's reactions and emotions in situations, and so enjoy being around diverse types of people. The ISFJ usually remains reserved around others, and does not open up very much. However, since they have a need to talk things over with others in order to make decisions, they do really need some close confidantes in their life. Their preference for these companions are other Sensing Feeling Judgers. They really enjoy and respect the company of Intuitive Feelers as well, but are not able to relate to them quite as well.

Friends of the ISFJ will value them for their warmth, dependability, depth of emotional awareness and understanding.

(http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html)

Myers Briggs (or something) Personality Test.
This one always give me the same result no matter where I take the test.   :)


ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.) 

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) 

Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses. In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. 

Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers. While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). 

Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics . Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want. Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) 

Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

(http://typelogic.com/isfj.html)